Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Weapons of Mouth Destruction.

They say that the first step towards overcoming addiction is admitting that you have a problem.

Clearly, this is not going to work for me, because when I gathered up and laid out my 21 lipsticks, 13 lip glosses, 6 lip stains, 2 lip liners, and 2 chapsticks (for a grand total of 44 - wait, I just found another one hiding under my dresser, make that FOURTEEN lip glosses), my first thought was, oh, hey, that's not that bad.


That's sort of like an alcoholic being like, oh, jaundice, AT LEAST IT'S NOT CIRRHOSIS, drinks are on me this time!

Anyway, I thought that there should be some good to come out of this, so, henceforth, and ergo, a comprehensive review of all the stuff in the picture.

Korres Pomegranate Lip Butter: Great scent, very berry-y, but oddly opaque when you put it on, and a tendency to get sticky and clumpy.

CVS brand lip butter, Pomegranate Apple and Strawberry Banana. The pomegranate apple smells incredibly edible, to the point where I like to eat it, which is why I don't have much of this stuff left. Great texture, slippery enough that it doesn't get gooey, and cheap. The strawberry banana smells, oddly enough, like strawberry Pez. Lighter than the pomegranate apple, to the point where it's pretty much clear.

Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer in Fig and Merlot: Smells kinda minty. Good texture. Wears out quickly. The Fig color is kinda too brown for me, but the Merlot is a fairly dark berry.

Smashbox Pout: The exact color of cotton candy in the tube. Weird, sort of synthetic honeysuckle-y smell. Too gooey, but fortunately isn't as Barbie-pink as it looks. Faintly shimmery.

Rimmel Lip Plumping Gloss in Parade and Breathless: Goopy, kind of cleaning-fluid smelling stuff that makes your lips sting. Parade is dark red and more opaque than you'd expect from a gloss, but goes on kind of streaky. Breathless is Malibu Beach-pink with chunks of glitter. Better suited to an eight-year-old.

Givenchy gloss in 04. Strong, weird, fake-fruit smell, like candy. An interesting rose color, with silvery glitter that's too chunky for subtlety.

Rimmel Sweet Jelly Gloss in Delicious: The idea of smearing sweet jelly on your lips is kinda gross. Likewise, Sweet Jelly gloss has a nauseatingly sweet smell, like bubblegum, and a habit of glooping out of the applicator and attacking your face.

Patricia Wexler No-Injection Lip Plumper: Clear. Cinnamon-y scent. Ouch.

Kiss My Face Sheer Organic Shine in Garnet: Brownish-red glitter. Tastes really strongly of mint, which is weird for someone whose brain is programmed to expect fruity lip goop. The color comes out very streaky, necessitating a lot of smearing around to get it even. Wears off in about two seconds.

Von Nature Red Gerbera Lip Stain: Really waxy substance, like a runny crayon. Turns orange. Smells like a crayon, too. The color is more opaque than most lip stains. Will end up making you look like you just ate a crayon.

Revlon Just Bitten Lip Stain in Cherry Tart Goes on runny but dries fast. A good, deep true red, but has a tendency to wear off everywhere but the edges of your mouth, and reapplying later makes it goopy.

CoverGirl Outlast Lip Stain in 425 and 420: Has that Magic Marker-ish smell that a lot of lipstains have. 425 is surprisingly vibrant and red. 420 is a very wearable, basic pink. Both have a tendency to dry out and become hard to get out of the applicator, but go on evenly and last a long time.

WetSlicks Fruit Spritzers in Strawberry Splash: Seriously? Fruit spritzer? I'm wearing crappy alcoholic drinks on my mouth? Smells like rotten strawberries and has sparkles. Sticky, gets goopy.

Elizabeth Arden Colour Intrigue in Stop Traffic: The quintessential old lady brand. It even has that weird, old lady lipstick smell. Too dry to get on evenly out of the tube. Doesn't turn orange like so many other red lipsticks.

Rimmel Lasting Finish Lipstick in Drop of Sherry and Bordeaux: Smells like a mint-scented crayon. Surprisingly moist texture, goes on evenly, lasts for a long time. Drop of Sherry is an eighties pink with a weird opalescent finish, Bordeaux is a nicely matte dark plum.

Maybelline Color Sensational in Red Revival, Nearly There, and Plum Perfect: Ew. Gross crayon scent. Red Revival is a pretty true red, but explosively bright. Nearly There is a gross tan-gold. Plum Perfect is...an unremarkable plum.

Benefit in Frenched: Great red color, but the lipstick is as moist as a gloss, and runs. Practically scentless, which is nice. Has a pretty tube, but pretty much unuseable unless you rub in it to stain or wear with with lip liner.

Vincent Longo in Dakota Red: Faintly vanilla scented. Nice dark red, but too dry.

Tomm Hilfiger, unknown color: My favorite red lipstick, so, ironically, I rarely use it since you can't find it anywhere, and I don't know what color it is. Beautiful dark red color, nicely squishy, super-opaque.

Neutrogena Soothing LipSheer in Plum: Nicely squishy, unscented. A weird tendency to get goopy. Moderately opaque.

Rimmel Volume in Screamer: Odd mint-chemical scent. Feels like menthol when you put it on. An orangey-red.

CoverGirl Continuous Color in Bistro Burgundy and Vintage Wine: What, no Salad Nicoise Sand or Cordon Bleu Cherry? Nice texture, almost no smell. Both are weirdly brown.

Maybelline Wet Shine in Cherry Rain and Wine Shine: Sounds like something that would be in a porno (wet shine? Really?) Cherry Rain is a bright, screaming fuschia. Wine Shine is too brown. Both have a nice texture but a tendency to feather, and you have to wipe them off before you reapply or it gets gluey.

Maybelline Moisture Extreme in Midnight Red: Faintly watermelon-y scent, not overwhelming. Great dark, clear red, good texture. Wears beautifully. Probably the best red lipstick you can buy, which is why I have five tubes of it.


  1. I just now read this and it definitely made me smile/feel ashamed because I probably have even more lip products than you AND many of them are the exact same ones you own! I guess all that talk of makeup during our formative years took hold...

  2. See, I TOLD you my problem wasn't that bad!!

    I own multiples of a lot of them, too, because when I find one I like I get all paranoid that they're going to discontinue it and then buy a whole bunch...which is why I have five (yes, FIVE) tubes of Maybelline Midnight Red.

    I found out MAC is discontinuing the foundation stick I use, and almost started weeping in the store.