Monday, December 6, 2010

Christina's Lament (or, So Bad It's Good)


So,  it's been kind of tough for our girl Christina. You step back from your career for a hot second to have a baby and get married to some guy no one has ever heard of, prompting people to speculate that, hey, maybe this one will actually work, then resurface, do a disastrous interview that makes you sound petty and out-of-touch, then release a CD that gets roundly panned, along with a derivative and stale video that tastes like reheated Lady Gaga combined with a cell phone and perfume commercial.

Oh, and get divorced.

So, what's a girl to do when her planned comeback flops?


Hint: NOT star with two of the biggest scene-chewers, CHER and la Tucci.


See? Even la Tucci's furrowed brow is saying, Christina, why? I have singlehandedly stolen every scene I've ever been in, foolish girl.

Although I'm pretty sure Christina was hoping that Burlesque would catapult her to relevancy again, every time she's on screen it's like, move, you're blocking my view of CHER, who despite being sixty-five still looks amazing (and amazingly lifelike despite having lost most of the mobility in her face).

So, but, yes, Burlesque. It's bad, I mean really bad - Christina plays the small-town naif with foot-long eyelashes, and I'm pretty sure they doused her in High Beam. There's an evil developer who wants the indebted but plucky club - you can tell he's evil because he smirks a lot and has  a scale model of the GIANT SKYSCRAPER he wants to build right on top of said plucky little club. Throw in a hunky bartender with a conveniently absent fiancee in New York who just happens to have a couch for Christina to sleep on after her seedy hotel room is burgled and the money saved from her just a steeltown girl on a Saturday night  - whoops, wrong movie.

Christina has a rival, Kristin Bell's snarky Nikki, who does an unsurprising 180 in the heartwarming last scene and takes her rightful place in the chorus line and ceding the spotlight to Christina.

Unsurprisingly, CHER and la Tucci save the movie - la Tucci gets the zingiest one-liners and CHER demonstrates that despite being old enough to qualify for Social Security, her thighs are still enviable and her hair shiny and, aside from an odd resemblance to Peter Burns, still has amazing pipes.

2 comments:

  1. YOU FORGOT ALAN CUMMINGS!!! I mean, the banana number? Priceless. Although I did want him to break out into Wilkommen from Cabaret.

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  2. How could I forget Alan Cummings?? I mean I'm ONE A away from being him...sigh. I wished he had more screen time though.

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