Thursday, December 9, 2010

Holiday Shopping Guide, insanity edition

So, we're getting closer to Giftmas, and those of you who didn't do your shopping early and online like me and the rest of hermitkind are sort of screwed. The traffic sucks, the malls are scary, everyone is running around with that weird manic look in their eyes, and the canned Christmas carols are enough to induce instant homicidal rage at yet another rendition of that horrible Mariah Carey Christmas song.

But fear not. I have answers. Behold: my 2010 holiday gift guide.

For him:

Go to Off the Grid and watch their amazing, hilarious Christmas shopping guide video. An adorable blonde Shirley Temple lookalike dressed like a Christmas elf hands over such goodies as the Survival Garden (control your food supply!) and the EvacPack, backpacks stuffed with dehydrated food and survival supplies "for any short term survival situation." Perfect for that guy who has everything, including a debilitating fear of the future. I'd also recommend throwing in a copy of T.C. Boyle's short story, "Peace of Mind," about a family who sells their house to move to an off the grid community to avoid the coming meltdown of society only to find themselves living next to a sociopathic survivalist who enjoys lynching their kids' pet rabbits.

For her:

The Hoodie Footie pajama from Pajamagram. The Grandy Group has been pushing this really hard on their morning show.*

Nothing says "I love you" like a snuggle suit that covers as much as a burqini. Finally, something both political conservatives and conservative Muslims can agree on! World peace is just a zip-front velour suit away.

*Yes. I listen to the Grandy Group, and Sean Hannity, even though I always end up shrieking and turning it off when he tries to interview someone because he's incapable of letting anyone finish a sentence, and Rush, and Mark Levin. Why? Why do I listen? Because honestly, I'd rather listen to a right-wing nutjob than the crap that's on the FM band.

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