Tuesday, January 11, 2011
What your juice says about you.
Therapist? I don't need no stinking therapist. The Dole corporation can tell me all about myself just based on what type of juice I'm chugging. See?? Not only is my favorite activity warming up the house with the smell of pancakes (I put the juice on the counter next to a bowl and a whisk and an hour later, still no damn pancakes) but I also enjoy watching sunrises and singing in the shower.
Seriously? I'm tired of getting psychoanalyzed by the stuff I buy. Goldfish started it with their side-of-the-carton profiles (Cheddar? You're a dopy, preppy fish with a permasmile. Pretzel? You're a smirking cool fish-dude! Original? Oooh, sorry. Psycho killer with a propensity for wearing women's undergarments.)
Then Playtex got in the game, and the next thing I know, my tampon wrappers are telling me that sports build character and exhorting me to try explore new forms of fearlessness, and perhaps most creepily, some of the wrappers say "I'm on your team!" Like that's somehow comforting. I'm afraid the next one is going to say "I watch while you sleep" or "Your habit of nibbling all the skin on your lower lip off is truly grotesque."