Saturday, March 5, 2011

Natalie, we need to talk.

Natalie? It's me, Mike. We need to talk. Young lady, I'm --

Jeez, Mike. I'm not a baby anymore. Actually, I'm 29. And I look like this now:

See? Total grown-up.

Buh? 29? God, that's so surprising I went all pixelated. I still kind of think of you as being -

Gawd! Mike, I know. Most people probably do. But I'm twenty-nine.

Right. Okay, well, I need to have a serious chat with you. Which is why I'm not wearing a suit and I'm looking sort of folksy. Just ignore the microphone. Natalie, there's no easy way to say this, but you're glamorizing single motherhood. I don't know if you know this, but having a single mother is the single biggest cause of a child starving to death, having no health care, and being left on a hillside to be eaten by wolves. Do you want your child to be eaten by wolves, Natalie? Do you?

Wolves, Mike? That's what you're concerned about?

Dammit, Natalie! Listen to me! Impressionable young girls everywhere in America look at you with your glowing hair, enviable cheekbones, impossibly white smile, adorable new fiancee, and say, "I can do that too!" Then they go out and get knocked up by the first dipshit to buy them a Bud Light!

'Sup, guys.

Goddamit, Levi! Not now! I'm lecturing Natalie Portman about how her decision to have a baby at 29, when she's rich enough to stay home with the kid even if she never works another day in her life, and about to get married to her fiancee, is incredibly irresponsible and something I should definitely be talking about. God, next thing you know she'll be ditching the kid to go on Dancing with the Stars to try to make ends meet. She may not even finish high school!

Mike, I have a degree from Harvard for Chrissakes! I've been published in two scientific journals! I speak Hebrew! I just won an Oscar!

Oh, hey guys. Bristol here. Are we talking about what we've accomplished?

Bristol, for the love of Christ shut the hell up. I am trying to tell Natalie here about how her kid is going to get eaten by wolves.

Hey Dad! It's your son, David. Are you talking about wolves? Because I hanged a dog once at summer camp. But you're totally right, Pops, Natalie's kid is probably going to grow up to be a pasty, chunky, animal-torturing psycho because she didn't have a ring on it when she got pregnant.

Okay, okay. You know what? I give up. Fine. Go ahead and have a bunch of out-of-wedlock kids, Natalie. They'll probably grow up to be smart, gorgeous, accomplished people just like you. But don't say Mike didn't try to warn you! Now if you'll excuse me, my Mike-sense is tingling. Some young, naive girl out there is about to make another horrible life decision, and I have to do something about it!

Hey guys! Good news!

Well, shit.


  1. You need to get yourself together and published. Really.

  2. I especially like the photo of Natalie from the SNL digital short. Angry Natalie power!