Monday, September 19, 2011

All my exes.

I suppose I should feel pretty lucky that the worst thing any of my exes did was stalk me (rather incompetently - it's hard to stalk someone when they live an hour away from you and you don't have a car) and (a different ex, this time) write crap about me on LiveJournal. Which would have been okay if he had been, say, in high school, and not a grown-assed man. But it's cool, we're sort of friends now, I guess? And anyway, no one ever cared about LiveJournal.

Hilary Winston's ex, the vaguely lab-mouse-ish looking Chad Kultgen, wrote The Average American Male, a "fictionalized" account of their relationship. Nonfiction, in that Kultgen repeatedly refers to Winston as his "fat-assed girlfriend," and fiction, in that the Kultgen-character actually gets to sleep with some attractive ladies. The Average American Male is another book of "fratire", joining the ilk of Tucker Max and legions of shrieky, angry, beknighted bloggers like Eric Schaeffer. Pssst, Eric...we know why you're still single!

So, what's a girl to do after finding out that your ex-boyfriend wrote a book in which he describes you as, alternately, fat, unattractive, whiny, bitchy, clingy, neurotic, and childish?

Well, if you're Winston, you bat that ball right back in his court. Except you don't try to pretend that your book is fiction.

My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me is ultimately far more depressing than funny, even though Winston has writing credits on My Name is Earl and Community (the fact that she was more successful as scriptwriting than Kultgen was one of the factors in their breakup). Winston revisits her fairly disastrous dating life, having the not-entirely-surprising revelation that for some reason, she has a hard time being attracted to guys who actually like her.

Her relationship with Kultgen is excruciating from the start, from his refusal to eat anywhere other than Olive Garden and generally boorish behavior. But they move in together and end up spending four years as a couple, although it seems pretty obvious early in their relationship that this is a Very Bad Idea. Winston tries to milk the humor from their relationship, but there's very little to be found, although she includes plenty of anecdotes about her recalcitrant, diabetic cat and her questionable dating choices after she and Kultgen split. Overall, My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me induces more winces than laughs.


  1. I loved this book. I thought it was funny and moving. You sound like a fool.

  2. AWESOME! My first anonymous troll comment! I could not be more thrilled.

    Just because you loved it doesn't mean that I have to.

  3. OMG! Anonymous has found you! Congratulations!

  4. I know, right?! Sometimes I like to think that all of the anonymous posts out there are actually by one person, and eventually someone will out them and we'll all say, aaah, YOU were the one!

    I kind of like my anonymous, though - they have good spelling, capitalization, and grammar. I hope my anonymous stays.

    Anyway, sorry for the cryptic Facebook message....long story short, my wonderful boyfriend broke up with me after four years. For no reason. So that's weird, right?

    I hope he doesn't write a book about me. Of course, if he did, it would be rather boring. And then I could review it on my blog!