Monday, October 24, 2011

Open Letter Mondays

An Open Letter to Esquire, On the Occasion of Choosing Rihanna as "Sexiest Woman Alive, 2011"

Dear Esquire,

I am not quibbling with your choice of sexiest woman alive - Rihanna's pretty sexy - but I am extremely confused as to your choice of styling.

She appears to be wearing...kelp? A deflated balloon? A bit of trash bag? And also Michael Jackson's hair, but hey, I totally get that whole awkward-growing-out-stage (solidarity!).

I thought I would get some answers in your feature, but alas:

  Seriously, what is this stuff? Is that...waterlogged beef jerky? Someone else's skin? The mystery was compounded with a blurry shot of her wearing nothing but what appeared to be mulch. Mulch. I would think that draping oneself with mulch would only appeal to a very small subset of the population, usually found lurking on ill-advised online forums.
However, Esquire, I bow to your superior knowledge of what is sexy - I shall pass along the word to those perpetually dazed-looking Victoria's Secret gals that they can dispense with the Stupidly Sexy and So Sexy It's Seriously Criminal In Most Southern States bra-and-garter getups and start draping themselves with things like used coffee filters and orange peels.


1 comment:

  1. Maybe it's supposed to trigger something in the primitive male psyche?