An Open Letter to Modcloth, on the Occasion of Needing a New Coat
It is true, yes, that I'm rather half-heartedly shopping for a new coat. I will probably put off buying said coat until winter is nearly over, and then just end up getting something at Goodwill. But. I digress. I appreciate the creativity of your copywriters, I do. I understand that ginning up a paragraph or two of sustained excitement about a coat must be challenging. However, I am feeling as though you are not - how do I put this - relating to me with this description:
Walking up the path to your family’s country home, you catch the rich aroma of treats as warm as your scarlet Steve Madden coat. You dust snowflakes from your high-collar, button-embellished sleeves, and vegan faux leather belt, eagerly undoing the tie waist and black buttons as you enter the glowing foyer. Slipping off this pocketed piece, you greet your kin in a patterned sweater, skinny jeans, and tall boots. Swapping hugs and how-do-you-dos, you’re shuffled to the kitchen for a homemade wintertime snack that’s just as sweet as your style!
Allow me to rewrite this for you:
Walking up the path to your parents' townhome, you note that the lawn is now covered in black plastic, which would not be all that awful looking if your house wasn't next to Mr. Perfect Lawn's, whose flowers are always in military formation. The comparison makes your house look like something from Cops, right before the police stomp the door in. You clomp inside to the foyer and think Wow, it's cold in here. You can see your breath inside. Tugging off your coat, you yell Moooooam! I'm hoooooame! and then realize that you didn't actually change out of your pajama top (too cold). Clumping upstairs, Mom waves for quiet because she's still nattering on her Bluetooth. She hands you a pair of fingerless gloves and mouths put these on, pointing to the thermostat, which is still off even though it's below freezing outside. For dinner, she offers you your choice of microwaved entrees and/or popcorn.
Striving for veracity, as always,