But instead, here is a summary for your enjoyment, and, as always, spoiler alert:
A dramatic retelling of Snow White and the Huntsman
Once there was a queen, who, in an age of things like pleurisy and dropsy, undertook a very unwise walk outside during winter and came upon a rose, inexplicably blooming in the snow. Promptly stabbing herself on its thorns, which in those days meant you were going to get typhoid or gangrene and lose a limb, at least, she made a very strange mental connection between the sight of her blood and having a baby.
Which she did, because family planning was not yet a thing, and the baby looked like a baby, sort of pink-faced and squashy.
Then the baby got older.
SNOW WHITE: Aaaah a bird. Think its wing is broken.
QUEEN MUM: What, sure, true beauty is within.
SNOW WHITE: …. I am still going to be beautiful, though, right? Because if not, we’re hosed. Nobody is going to go into battle if I have bad eyesight or a bumpy nose.
QUEEN MUM: Oh yeah, sure. Otherwise this whole thing is never getting off the ground. Also, I DIE.
The king goes into battle against an army made out of black safety glass. He wins. The glass soldiers are hauling a wagon inside which a lady is chained.
KING: LADY! You are….beautiful. So I’m not even going to ask why you’re in this wagon, why these guys are made out of glass, who is commanding this mysterious army, or any of the other questions that someone with two brain cells to rub together would be wondering. MARRY ME I DEMAND IT.
EVIL QUEEN: I have ended up in the Kingdom Of The Very Dense Men. Score!
And there is a marriage.
Wedding night scene:
KING: You have all of your teeth and don’t appear to have had the pox. Works for me.
EVIL QUEEN: I know, right? Man, this reminds me of this one time I married this king. And then killed him. And took his kingdom. And killed most of his subjects. That’s kind of a funny story, how I ended up…are you listening?
KING: Pant. Pant. Gasp.
EVIL QUEEN: …fuck it.
Stabbity stabbity stab.
Several years pass. About…I don’t know, maybe eight years? Seven? In earlier versions Snow White trended way young, but I think they’re trying to avoid the pedophiliac overtones of many fairy tales. So…eight. We’ll go with that.
EVIL QUEEN’S CREEPY BROTHER: Oh my sister. You are…looking kind of tired. Eesh.
EVIL QUEEN: That’s rich. You look like you ganked your haircut from Anton Chigurh. Seriously, what is that? Are you a big Prince Valiant fan?
CREEPY BROTHER: You are MEAN. But, I still love you, in a very creepy and non-platonic way, if you know what I mean, so I have captured this toddler-faced peasant girl.
EVIL QUEEN: Slurps out toddler-faced peasant girl’s life force, or youth, or something, in a scene cribbed from the Dementors. AAAAhhhhh.
Mirror, mirror, on the wa-
MIRROR: O, let us skip it. Yes, you’re still hot, in a MILF-y kind of way, but Snow White doesn’t need a solid eight hours to not have undereye bags, so. That’s what it is.
EVIL QUEEN: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAA. BRING ME SNOW WHITE. Whom I have inexplicably kept alive in a tower cell for eight years, although why I didn’t kill her beforehand is a convenient plot hole. Probably because she thought I looked good in that puffed-sleeve wedding dress monstrosity.
CREEPY BROTHER: God, finally.
Creepy brother creeps up to Snow White’s tower cell, where, despite having been imprisoned for eight years, she is 1) wearing sturdy leather boots, all the better for fleeing with and 2) doesn’t seem to have experienced any muscle atrophy, which is also weird.
CREEPY BROTHER: Oh, hello.
SNOW WHITE: I’m just going to pretend you don’t have your hand under my jerkin, or whatever this bodice-like thing is called. AH HAH I ESCAPE.
There is a running scene through the castle. Snow White makes it out (duh). There is a horse waiting for her, which she vaults onto, even though she has no saddle, but this horse is very cooperative, so THEY RIDE, then the horse gets stuck in quicksand, so she escapes into the EVIL FOREST.
SNOW WHITE: This…looks a lot like a higher-budget version of Princess Bride. Uck, what is that smell?
The forest produces a noxious mist.
SNOW WHITE: I am…tripping balls. (passes out)
Meanwhile, back at the castle.
EVIL QUEEN: RAGE RAGE RAAAAAAAAAAAGE.
CREEPY BROTHER: cower cower
EVIL QUEEN: ONE SIMPLE THING. I ask you to do ONE SIMPLE thing and you totally bollocks it up. WHAT I can’t even, bring me someone MANLY.
Cut scene to the drunky-pants Huntsman. Cut scene to castle.
HUNTSMAN: Lady, what. As you can see by my scruffy ponytail and leather pants, I am not to be trifled with. What’s the deal?
EVIL QUEEN: I can see that behind your scruffy demeanor, you are deeply saddened by the untimely death of your young, lovely wife. A death I had nothing whatsoever to do with, and I can conveniently bring her back, soooo. DO WE HAVE A DEAL.
HUNTSMAN: Yeah, sure. Whatever.
EVIL QUEEN: ….that’s it?
HUNTSMAN: I guess.
EVIL QUEEN: Are you…are you going to wear that same expression throughout this entire movie? Is your face…is it stuck that way?
HUNTSMAN: Yeah. This, like, vaguely worried looking expression is the only one I can make. I’m basically a human Golden Retriever.
EVIL QUEEN: O…kay.
The Huntsman and Creepy Brother crash through the underbrush with a posse of baddies in pursuit of Snow White, who is battling the first hangover of her young life.
HUNTSMAN: AH HAH! Shit, I am captivated by your beau- NO. MISSION AT HAND. (grabs Snow White) Check it out, creepy brother. WHERE MY WIFE?
CREEPY BROTHER: HAHAAAAhahaha. What? Seriously? Have you somehow not noticed that wagonloads of young, comely peasant lassies have been vanishing into the castle and not returning, while the queen isn’t aging, and it never occurred to you that maybe YOUR young wife, who mysteriously vanished, was one of them? God, you are a dipshit…wait, why am I telling you this while you’re still holding onto Snow White? Tactical error.
Swordfight ensues. Snow White and the Huntsman get away.
SNOW WHITE: …. Soooo. What happens now?
HUNTSMAN: Uh. I think this is where we have the scene where we both declare how we can’t trust each other, and yet there is obviously SMOLDERING PASSION.
SNOW WHITE: RIGHT!
That happens. They keep going into the forest. And going. And they get to the end of it, and there’s another scene with some other people which is pretty boring, and the Huntsman figures out who she is, and then of course abandons her because GRIEF, but then the Creepy Brother and his goons return, and blah blah blah.
HUNTSMAN: HOLY SHIT dwarves.
DWARVES: Not really. We’re actually all normal-sized actors, made small by the magic of CGI. Apparently there weren’t any actual dwarf actors.
HUNTSMAN: …Peter Dinklage?
DWARVES: You’re kidding, right? He’d never lower himself to be in a movie with such wooden dialogue.
HUNTSMAN: Yeah, you’re right. Anyway, this is the Princess. So, help us.
Lead Dwarf: Wait. I sense something. I sense…can it be? It is! She is the ONE.
Other dwarf: The one. Like Jesus. Or Neo. You know. Don’t question it, otherwise we’re never going to get to the end of this movie.
They continue, still trailed by the Creepy Brother. They enter….a MAGICAL FOREST. A magical forest that is filled with pollen. And fairies.
SNOW WHITE: ….what…IS that?
Dwarf: Fairy. And mystical woodland creatures.
SNOW WHITE: Are they going to be helpful at some point? Put on a tiny suit of armor? Swing a little cocktail sword?
Dwarf: What do you think this is, Narnia? No. But check it out. DEER GOD.
SNOW WHITE: This looks….vaguely familiar. Actually really familiar. You guys ever see Princess Mononoke? Seriously this deer thing is totally a rip-off of the deer god. Also, where are we going with this scene? None of these things ever show up again. I’m not really sure how the benevolent force of nature is supposed to help me if nobody here knows how to like, lead an army or build a trebuchet.
She has a point, but no one wants to admit it after wasting the CGI budget on some Fern Gully-looking fairy creatures that resemble humanoid tree frogs and look like something I would really want to squash. They continue on into the forest. Oh shit, right, back story. Prince William, Snow White’s childhood friend, has infiltrated the Creepy Brother’s band of misfits and is now on Team Snow White.
Meanwhile, back at the castle:
EVIL QUEEN: Are you KIDDING me. Are you…I can’t…you know what? CROWS, ASSEMBLE, AND GRAB THAT APPLE.
In the snowy forest:
SNOW WHITE: Uh. This is awkward, being together after eight years. You’ve been all living in your dad’s castle. I’ve been stuck in a smelly cell. Thanks.
WILLIAM: I know, I am totally sorry. Dad feels really bad too, for what it’s worth. Here, have an apple. Don’t ask how I got an apple in the middle of this snowy forest, or why I was hauling it around with me this whole time. Just…eat it.
SNOW WHITE: OKAY.
EVIL QUEEN: Aaahahahahaha stupid. Look, this isn’t personal, but we are several centuries from inventing Botox or those fillers, and I am really, really not about to get wrinkly.
They get interrupted by the Huntsman and the real William. The Evil Queen takes off for her castle, wrinklier than ever, and demands a new truckload of nubile peasant maidens to take the edge off.
HUNTSMAN: Crap. Well, this was a non-starter.
They haul her back to William’s dad’s castle.
HUNTSMAN: You are…so beautiful. Even dead. And I’m drunk. Well, not drunk drunk. But, like, that kind of drunk where your inhibitions are lowered, you know?
AUDIENCE: I DO NOT LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING, THIS IS KIND OF DATE-RAPEY AND NECROPHILIA-Y.
SNOW WHITE: Wakes up. Goes outside. Aaah. Huh. Okay, well, honestly, I would have expected you would be burning me at the stake right about now. And I have no training or tactical understanding, but, all that aside, would you like to join me in a ride across completely open, undefended land towards a heavily fortified castle while boiling oil and arrows rain down upon us? IRON WILL MELT BUT IT WILL WRITHE INSIDE ITSELF.
SNOW WHITE: WHO’S WITH ME?
CROWD: Did she just….iron will…I don’t – is that a metaphor? Are we the iron? But, like, the queen is writhing? Is there a context that I missed?
EVERYONE: WE RIIIIIIIDE.
And they do! Across a beach. With no cover. Into a hail of arrows and boiling oil. BRILLIANT TACTICIAN, that Snow White is.
Fight. Fight. Fight. CLIMACTIC BATTLE SCENE
SNOW WHITE: EVIL QUEEEEN!!!! (rushes at her with sword)
EVIL QUEEN: Psah. (sidesteps)
SNOW WHITE: I don’t…I don’t get it. Why is everyone Team Evil Queen? I’m virginal. I’m like thisclose to having a unicorn pop up and demand I rub its horn or something.
EVIL QUEEN: You’re boring.
SNOW WHITE: What?
EVIL QUEEN: You heard me. I have a backstory. My character actually has some dimensions. I had a traumatic childhood. I am deeply damaged. You spent eight years staring out of the window of the North Tower. You can’t even swing a sword! Also I can’t figure out how the director thought that you turning into Katniss Everdeen without even a training montage was going to be believeable.
SNOW WHITE: (stab)
EVIL QUEEN: I DIE.
There’s a coronation scene. Snow White makes eyes at both William and the Huntsman. Mercifully, it ends and we all get to stretch our legs.
FINAL VERDICT: C. Charlize Theron tears it up, Kristen Stewart is boring.